7 Other Things to Do on a Plane

As in other than
sleeping,
movie-watching,
reading,
window-gazing,
working,
peanut-eating,
or barfing.

That's the normal stuff. (Ho-hum.) Why not branch out?

Here are 7 other things to try on your next flight...

1. Count the seconds between toddler freak-outs.
It's like with lightning and thunder. The closer the freak-outs get, the nearer you are to insanity. Science, baby.

2. Make up wild backstories for the stewardesses.
And since their your stories, you can call them stewardesses. They'll never know. And don't leave out the senior one; she's been around since they wore short shorts and passed out cigarettes. Just know that whatever you make up for her won't even bump the iceberg.

3. Re-enact the Shatner Twilight Zone.
You may be asked to switch any further travel to another airline.

4. Do In-Seat Exercises
You know: the ones you're supposed to do anyway? But you don't, because your seatmates might wonder why you keep clenching your butt cheeks, even though, as you sit there, your veins and arteries are slowly collapsing, your blood thickening and forming teeny-tiny clots that -- as soon as you get to the head of the very long taxi line at the next airport -- will stroke out your brain? Clench your butt cheeks. Your life and taxi-line status depend on it.

5. Proofread the in-flight magazine.
If they're charging you for every bag, you can bet they've got chimps editing the mag, so have at it. Be sure to follow up your work with an email to the airline president, with excruciating detail. There's no excuse for a misplaced apostrophe, no matter what species of primate produced it.

6. Tabulate the toilet visitation habits of the people in your cabin.
One advantage to being in coach: the number of passengers makes a good sample size! (Sadly, this is the only advantage to being in coach, so you might as well do this one.) Make a grid (men, women, boys, girls, unknown) and add a tick every time someone visits the can. For bonus points, note each person's apparent age, proximity to the toilet, and level of desperation. Time the intervals between visits. Use a clickity pen to make your notes, and periodically say, "A-ha! Just as I thought!" Later, write up your findings, complete with graphs, and send them to an aerospace journal. They'll eat them up.

7. "Interview" your seatmates for your "blog" and/or "podcast."
If you have to define any of those words, you've got fake-interview gold on your hands. Use your best Edward R Murrow voice to pry loose their secrets, then scribble them down like they're giving you the biggest scoop in the history of ever. Exclaim over the exciting bits, giggle at the titillating bits, and give them a sympathetic pat for the tragic bits. And thank them afterward, since you're being a misleading turd.

What do YOU do to pass time in flight?

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